Three, just the start

They were both exactly what I like; everyday looking guys who were a bit stocky, not pretty but handsome – that blue-collar type gets me all the time. “J” went to the bathroom to take a leak so I started making out with “T” (32, 5’9”, stocky, medium brown Latino, with big brown eyes and an attitude) and he kissed well, soft full lips and hands that wrapped themselves around me. Then “T” went in and “J” came out (32, 6’, little belly, drown hair and a goatee) he walked into the kitchen, so I walked over, looked directly into his eyes and unzipped his pants and took out a thick white beautiful dick, dropped to my knees and started sucking him off. Him leaning back against the sink, starting to moan, he pulls me up to kiss, also soft full lips with a wandering tongue. Just then, “T” comes out and whimpers, “I want some”, and the three of us pull in tight and start making out, dicks pulled out, hands rubbing on each other and me hard as a rock…

His name was Michael

His name was Michael and the evening started off very sweet; sitting on the couch, holding hands and watching a movie. Afterwards we maneuvered into make out position and as I leaned into to him instinctively he was on his back with legs wrapped around my waist. He had nice thick full lips and could kiss very well. After a little making out and groping he offered to refill my water glass. He came back in and said here’s your water and walked towards his bedroom with my glass in hand. I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I think I can figure out where this is going. I smirked and like a loyal pup, I obliged and followed him into the darkened room. The only illumination coming from the streetlight shining through the window, but it was enough to make out shapes and the religious centric artwork on the wall.

He was Mexican and Catholic and had the tattoos to match; he was absolutely beautiful to me. Michael stood five foot nine, with a little belly, great ink and an incredibly big ass which I love.

“I surrender”,

“I surrender”, now why is that such a hard concept for me to accept. I have been accustomed to achieving; moving forward and winning, but this in itself should show me that the art of surrender is one of growth and progression.

There is real compassion and understanding in acceptance of where one is in life – where I am now, is not necessarily, where I will wind up. However, where you are going has grounding in where you came from and the journey ensued.

“I surrender”, I whispered softly in his ear as his cheek brushed against mine. My arms pinned overhead and sweat running down my back as his heart beat through his chest in rhythm with mine. Slowly, I could feel his body shift as he gently kissed the nape of my neck, grabbing firmly onto my wrists and holding me down.

I felt like a picture on the cover of one of those cheap romance novels, bodies entwined across a hay bale, some erotic setting with the wind gently blowing and everything frozen in slow motion.

“I’m not for sale”,

“I’m not for sale”, I said as the car rolled up and this clean cut banana republic looking guy leaned over his girlfriend’s lap and said, “you looking for a good time?” I smirked and kept walking as I heard the sound of his tires squeal away mixed with the laughter of his girlfriend’s drunken giggles at 2:30 in the morning. I was awake, I was aware and apparently I looked like a bisexual hustler walking down the streets of Hillcrest at that not-so-timid hour of the morning.

I couldn’t sleep so I snuck out of bed and went for a walk. I felt indifferent and amused all at the same time. This is not where I wanted to be and I was starting to really think I was lost. I mean I knew what I was doing there; I was the one who moved there – packed up and relocated without a care in the world, even found an apartment before I found a job. Lonely as shit, no matter how many men I slept with, no matter how hot the sex was, or how dirty – just the way I liked it. Jeff was right, it turned into an addiction that I would soon have my fill of and grow weary. So it wasn’t as though I was proving something to myself, yeah if I really wanted it I could go out and get it – score, big deal, what does it all add up to = emptiness, distraction and resentment.

I’ve truly come to learn and firmly believe that happy, positive, fun and lively people attract the same, but you do have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince – I just don’t know that I am looking for a prince. At one time I thought I was, but now…….I want what’s best for me, I want to be a little selfish with my own life and nourish my own soul. For he who goes off blindly without grounding of reality, fills himself with excess, to the point of not knowing who he is or what he really needed to fill himself with in the first place – though if I start by nourishing myself, it most certainly does attract those with an appetite for life, love and living and that’s what I crave!

"Find a purpose in life, don't allow your preoccupation with men, nice as they may be, to be your reason for being" - Mike